It’s funny how the changes in our lives can define us. A few months ago I married a man that fulfilled a desire in my life. With that love and marriage came changes I never knew I would ever have to experience. That is leaving my family. Do I have regrets…, because I am at home in his love. I left a sad trail behind me, hopefully to be replaced with strength, courage and a renewed purpose to survive. How do I feel about the hurt I caused…..words can not describe. Loss and change, whether new or old is extremely humbling, sometimes terrifying but holds the gift of a lesson meant to be learned. If only I could have done it differently…maybe handled it this way or that. We can not go back and make those changes and that probably hurts the most. The inability to go back in time and undo the actions, take back words or the thought processes involved in our decisions. Obviously thought processes are a big one…..what was I thinking at the time. I often wonder who’s voice I am listening to. Is it the voice of a mother’s guilt, how much more can I do for my children to make up for no father, lost loves, changed schools etc….if you are a mother you probably understand. Or is it the voice of love….summonings me to take the kids to ice cream, or a park, maybe a movie with pizza and popcorn. Sharing a sunset with the man you love or a quiet moment with your daughter as you watch her cooking dinner, I love this voice the most.
Sometimes it is simply NOT the voice of reason, I am a people pleaser, I want everyone happy and that isn’t a reality and I have gotten lost in the struggle to please someone.
How do you know who’s voice it is? I am always hoping it is Gods, but the outcome has proven differently in some of my decisions. My last decision to marry my husband and move to another state with him was truly God….I may have to blog the evidence sometime.
I look back at mistakes in my life, some at my own cost and some at the cost of others. In all these years of traveling this journey, I wish I could say I have learned to stop making mistakes….but that is not the case. I can only hope every time a new lesson is learned.
I am basically a happy person, always have been. As life can have many dimensions to it, so does happiness. What defines happiness for me today may be different than it did months ago or even years ago. My journey has been loaded with potholes, cracks, turns and drop offs, and fortunately some smooth rides too. Sadly the cost to others maybe too big for them to ever allow healing, but I pray that is not the case. I live with a tremendous feeling of sadness sometimes because of decisions made, right, wrong or indifferent. Regardless the process to absorb and allow healing takes patience, and the love of my great husband. The emptiness I felt before I got married was filled with many activities, I’m never idle, but it was never what God had in store for me. We are meant to have life partners, that is what I have now. The wake left in this part of my journey sometimes dampens my happiness, but I am encouraged to know that everyone comes out of experiences with new thoughts, plans, understanding and love.  We grow from our experiences in life, that is God’s design.
Thanks for listening.